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Small talk plays an important role in American culture, as we discussed in a recent post.  However, too much of a good thing can backfire: that is, produce the opposite of the intended (good) effect.  

When we have a special request or favor to ask of someone, starting with a little small talk is natural, but if we do NOT have a close personal relationship with that someone, it’s often useful to limit initial chitchat to 2-3 exchanges, and then introduce our request with minimal context … and ASK!

Let’s strategize about small talk first, and then the request.  Why strategize?  Because we’ll probably be a little nervous: asking for help from people outside our closest social circle can be psychologically demanding.  This isn’t something we do every day, so choosing the right words and the right way to say them can be challenging.  

If you intend to ask a favor of an acquaintance, associate, colleague, or anyone else who is NOT a close friend or relative — and especially if you haven’t spoken to this person in a long time — try to limit small talk to one minute or less (unless your partner keeps it going by asking YOU some questions).

This little bit of foresight may help you avoid a one-sided “exchange”:

A: Hi!  Long time no talk!  Wow, it’s been so long since I’ve seen you!  How have you been?  

B: [short response]

A: Did you go anywhere for the holidays?  

B: [short response]

A: So how is everything?  Are you still teaching at the university?  

B: [short response]

A: How’s your wife doing?  Is she still in the fashion industry?  

B: [short response]

A: Oh wow, that’s great!  And your parents — how are they doing? 

If you find yourself driving this kind of “interrogation,” cut it short: your partner will be relieved!  Notice this example includes a couple of “dead-end” yes/no questions likely to elicit yes- or no-only responses.  

But there’s an even more serious problem here: the question content may be unwelcome.  Your partner may not be in the mood right now to discuss work, wife, or parents — especially if your relationship is not close.  Imposing such questions could even affect how the other person responds to your eventual request.

Now let’s consider how you might structure your request.  Expect to feel a little anxious (it’s normal) and do your best to push through it.  Express your purpose in two very short parts — CONTEXT (essential background information, condensed into one sentence or phrase) and REQUEST:

CONTEXT: Well, the reason I’m calling you today is that I’m looking for a job and … 

REQUEST: … I was wondering if I could ask you for any suggestions you might have about …

Note that the CONTEXT does not tell a long story.  Long-story-SHORTextremely short! — is our goal here.  

And notice the REQUEST features indirect words to soften its impact: 

I was wondering: common introductory softener; signals that a request (or other special/sensitive remark) is coming, alerting the listener to a “turn” in the conversational flow.

if I could ask you: “if” conditional, with the burden of action on the speaker “I” asking, not the listener “you” giving (NOT: “if you could give me …”); this additional signal gently & politely announces, “Incoming question!”

any: meaning “any possible” or “if you happen to have any”; the speaker does not assume the listener has suggestions to offer, which lowers expectations and helps lighten a request.

might: conditional modal, with an implied if”: if you happen to have ideas, if you can think of anything spontaneously, if you would be willing to share your thoughts.

In most routine situations in the USA, you’ll probably receive warmer and more thoughtful responses to your requests if you limit small talk, get to your point relatively quickly, choose words that burden YOU instead of the other person, and soften your wording with a few “if”s, “might”s & “any”s!

An earlier version of this article appeared as a post in NYU’s English Language Institute blog on April 16, 2021.

Learn with Lloyd!

“I see you’re wearing a Yankees cap.  Are you a baseball fan?”

This is small talk: something we often do to start a conversation.  Notice the comment (“Yankees cap”) + question (“you a fan?”) structure — we’ll come back to that soon when we discuss techniques.

But first — why bother reading about small talk?  After all, you probably do it naturally with people you want to interact with.  That’s great … but remember those awkward times when you wanted to interact with someone but couldn’t think of the right thing to say? 

Small talk can be a BIG challenge for anyone facing new or anxiety-inducing situations, including many key moments in our careers.  And small talk can be a BIG deal in relationship-building: people prefer to socialize and do business with others they feel comfortable with, and this sense of comfort can be established & maintained through light conversation that feels natural and builds rapport.

So making a little effort at strengthening your small talk skills can enhance your personal & professional encounters.  Here’s a simple formula that can remind us what small talk is, and what it’s for:

small talk = SHOWING INTEREST

You may ask: What if the person or situation is too new to make me feel “interested” yet?

I hear you!  That’s why the key word SHOWING is helpful.  Showing interest can come from (a) having genuine interest and expressing it … or (b) making an effort: finding something — anything — to comment on!

In the “Yankees cap” example, (b) is likely to apply to me, as I’m not a Yankees fan; I’m not even a baseball fan, and I have no natural interest in discussing baseball or baseball hats … but hey: I’m making an effort by noticing something and remarking on it!

You may ask: What if the person or situation is too intimidating or tense, and I feel literally frozen?

I know — I’ve been there too!  Sometimes we have to “break the icebefore showing interest.  (The “ice” in this idiom indicates the initial frozen state of a new social situation; the awkward paralysis of people together not communicating.)

One of the easiest ways to break the ice is asking about the weather.  This works even for remote video-conferencing and phone calls:

“How’s the weather where you are?”

Notice this question doesn’t even require knowing where the other person is, which makes it very easy to use.  It leads naturally to discussing where the other person is, where you are, and suddenly the “ice” is broken, the conversational stream is flowing, and now you can show interest!

“I heard you say you’re from Italy.  What part of Italy are you from?”

That’s another example of the comment + question structure.  Comments set context for questions, and sometimes even prompt them: I may say “you’re from Italy” without knowing what else to say … and “What part?” naturally emerges!  

And by adding space between questions, comments create more comfortable pacing: focus on me (comment); then you (question); me; then you.  And you, I hope, do the same!  Asking questions only turns small talk into an interrogation, which can be unpleasant for your partner.

The “Italy” example features an information question (“What part?”), which unlocks more conversational potential than most yes/no questions do.  Information questions — those beginning with who, what, where, when, why, which, how — elicit specific and often revealing responses.  In contrast, yes/no questions may result in one-word answers: “Yes.”  Or “No.”  And nothing more!

As your small talk warms up, think of simple questions — especially information questions and yes/no questions with like — to follow up on what your partner says:

— “Did you like growing up there?”

— “Oh really?  Why?”

— “When was that?”

— “Where was that?”

— “That’s interesting; and then what happened?”

— “Wow!  How did you handle that?”

Follow-ups are short, easy to generate, and more fun to answer.  Since they demonstrate you’re listening and showing interest, they encourage meaningful conversation and transform small talk into real engagement.

A version of this article appeared as a post in NYU’s English Language Institute blog on April 1, 2021.

Near the end of my English language listening/speaking-focused courses, students often ask me, “How can I continue building my skills on my own?”  

You’re probably already using audiovisual resources, but visual “eye candy” can consume so much of your attention that you don’t concentrate enough on language issues.  Consider audio-only resources, which focus your mind on listening: you immediately notice aspects of vocabulary, pronunciation, intonation, and grammar that demand your attention.

Try public radio sites like NPR.org (National Public Radio) and WNYC.org (NYC’s own station), which offer top-quality news and feature stories you can use to boost your language skills. 

ACTIVE listening with NPR.org:

a) Search for key words of interest or particular shows — click the menu icon (with three short horizontal bars); shows like “Morning Edition” and “All Things Considered” offer new reports and stories every day, and archives of past shows.  Most features are 3-8 minutes long; choose one.

b) Listen without pausing to get acquainted with overall content.

c) Listen again and pause as needed; notice things you missed the first time.

d) Read the transcript to see how well you understood everything.  Transcripts offer immediate feedback on your listening accuracy.  Research the meanings of unfamiliar words.

e) Listen again while reading the transcript to reinforce the content in your mind and focus your ears & eyes together on language issues.  

f) Listen again, pause after each short sentence and in the middle of longer sentences, and repeat what you just heard.  Imitate pronunciation & intonation to refine your speaking skills.

g) Each day, repeat these steps; follow your instincts, adjust as needed, and trust your judgment.

PASSIVE listening with WNYC.org:

a) Subscribe to the WNYC app or other podcast platform offering WNYC content.  

b) Listen to live broadcasts while doing other things, like exercising, preparing meals, or washing dishes.  

c) Don’t worry about missing content — you’re busy and cannot possibly catch all the words.  You can miss 90% and still benefit from English streaming into your ears.  And don’t worry about transcripts when listening passively — just allow quality audiocasts to become part of your daily routine.  

(photo by Bonnie Yoon Bishop)

This article originally appeared as a post in NYU’s English Language Institute blog on December 11, 2019.

Learn with Lloyd! Most people you meet are patient enough to listen for a minute as you describe yourself and your current activities.  However, some people don’t want to listen for more than a minute to such a monologue, and in some situations, you have only a moment to explain yourself … before your conversation is interrupted or your listener has to leave, for example. 

So introducing yourself concisely — in a minute or less — is a valuable skill, and it’s easy to develop!  Such a self-introduction is useful for answering general questions like “What do you do?” or “What kind of work are you looking for?”  Below is a sample speech answering the question “What do you do?”  In this case, the speaker is in a relaxed social setting, so she feels free to add details to enliven the conversation.  Keep in mind that these sentences do not have to be delivered in an unbroken monologue; for example, there could be interrupting questions from the conversation partner that elicit the details that appear in the second half of the speech.

SAMPLE 1 (relaxed social setting): “I work for a non-profit cultural exchange organization called the Slavic Art Center.  We arrange tours of Russia for American artists, designers, architects, and other arts professionals who want to see the cultural treasures of Russia firsthand.  We also bring Russian arts professionals to the United States to meet with their American counterparts.  I’m responsible for travel arrangements, so I spend a lot of time booking flights, hotels, and ground transportation for our groups.  I also write some of our promotional materials.  One benefit I particularly enjoy is the chance to travel with some of our groups in Russia; in fact, I’m going there next month for ten days.  So if you know any American or Russian arts professionals, please let me know!”

Brief self-introductions are sometimes called “elevator speeches”: if you find yourself in an elevator with a potential customer, employer, or other person of interest, you might have 20 seconds, 40 seconds, maybe even 60 seconds to present yourself in a positive way, or promote your products/services or skills/background in a persuasive way.  If the person quoted above found herself in an elevator with a well-known artist or other person who could be interested in her services, she might introduce herself with a shorter, more promotional version of the speech:

SAMPLE 2 (shorter, promotional context):  “Hi, my name’s Jane Smith.  I enjoyed seeing your exhibition tonight; I especially liked the perfumed wood sculptures!  By the way, I work for a non-profit cultural exchange organization called the Slavic Art Center.  We arrange tours of Russia for American artists who want to see Russian culture firsthand.  We also bring Russian artists to the United States to meet their American counterparts.  If you think you might be interested in touring Russia with other artists, or meeting Russian artists when they visit here, I’d be happy to send you more information.”

If you’re not working, talk about your studies or other activities you’re involved in, as well as your future plans.  Here’s a sample from a relaxed social setting, answering the question “What do you do?”:

SAMPLE 3 (relaxed social setting): “I’m studying finance at NYU and planning to apply to MBA programs next year.  I’m currently researching the process of preparing IPOs — that’s initial public offerings: the first time companies offer shares of their stock on a stock market.*  I’m also doing an internship at Nanoventure, a firm that helps arrange IPOs for nanotechnology companies.  I plan to apply to NYU’s Stern Business School, and if I’m accepted, I hope to focus on corporate finance.  Eventually, I’d like to work for a venture capital firm.  I want to help identify small start-ups that could make big breakthroughs and develop innovative products.  So that’s enough about me.  What do you do?”

*Add such a brief explanation or clarification if you think your listener might appreciate it.

If you’re looking for a job, market your skills/interests proactively … but concisely.  For example, you might mention a key aspect of your background, or one of your own professional interests or target areas/specialties, or a direct inquiry or question to the listener.  Here’s a sample adapted from the previous speech:

SAMPLE 4 (shorter, self-promotional context):  “Hi, my name is Sam Jones.  Congratulations on your acquisition of XYZ Corp.!  By the way, I’m doing an internship at Nanoventure, a firm that helps arrange IPOs for nanotechnology companies.  My ultimate goal is to work for a venture capital firm.  I’m just curious if there might be any opportunities for someone like me* at your firm in the near future.”

*You might substitute a descriptive phrase like “new account managers” or “business development specialists

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 To develop your own elevator speech, choose one of the above samples that seems approximately like the way you’d introduce yourself, and replace each sentence with one of your own. Do this for each sentence, one by one, and when you realize you need something different, go for it — make any structural or strategic changes that seem right to you. Naturally, your speech will be quite different from any sample, but using a sample as a starting point can help you get this process moving.

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